Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Don't Understand

There are many days in Haiti, that it is hard for me to be transparent. I sometimes have a hard time allowing myself to feel. If I must admit, I'm afraid. Sometimes I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid that if I allow myself to feel here, there will be so much pain, hatred, confusion, anger. Tonight, I want to be transparent with you...

I'm angry and sad. I'm angry that people are born into this poverty. I'm angry that almost 3 years later, many are still living in tents. I'm angry there is a storm approaching and not all the Haitian's even know when or that it's coming. I'm angry, that even if they did know, how do you prepare your tent for a storm.

I'm sad...on Saturday, I helped my friends desperately try to save the life of their beloved brother. I'm sad that he died and that there wasn't anyone around that could do CPR, that there is no 911, and that some of the hospitals wouldn't help, because he was too bad. I'm not even sure, how a hospital can say they are helping people if they won't take those that are fighting to survive. That makes me angry.

I'm angry...Today we found out that only 30% passed their governmental exams. What is that?? How do you have an educational system that doesn't provide funding, requires HORRIBLE curriculum, has no requirements for teaching and makes the students take a test, that NO ONE has any idea what is on! can you allow 70% to fail and claim you have a good education system. How can you not even see there is a problem...they label it the students fault. I'm sorry, as a former teacher, if 70% of my students fail...I'm DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!!!

I could go on...

I have had a difficult day today, trying to be positive, trying to keep hope.

I know I need to cling to the word and cling to our Savior, because, I don't understand. WHY?? Yet, I know it's not for me to question.

Isaiah 55: 8-9 says, "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree. For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think." 

12 - 13 continue..."So you'll go out in joy, you'll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.No more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines—Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God."

I cling to this hope...the only hope I can have...that I won't understand and at the end, It will be worth it. He will receive glory. There will be justice, no more pain, no more sin....


  1. Ashlee,
    When I heard about Hurricane Isaac headed toward Haiti my heart just sunk. That place is already in my blood since I was there in Gressier just a few weeks ago. I am praying for you daily and will double my efforts in the face of the impending storm. You are truly doing God's work along with Claudy, Madame Christiane, Jasmine and Greg, Maxo , Jim and Sandy and so many others I met the week I was there.I can't wait to,return with a group from Constance in Jan and Pray He will hold you all in the palm of His hand.
    Maria Douglas
    Constance Free Church
    Andover, Mn

  2. Ashley,
    I am up at 4:35 AM watching the weather channel and praying. I feel now or have felt most of the feelings you are feeling since the first time I was to Haiti. I know I will not understand like you do. You live there. You are married to loving Haitian man. As I read more about Haiti and try to understand why they are the way they are I just pray. I pray that this country with it's loving people can have even a little of what we know as normal here. I pray for the education system and for Maxo and those that are so desperate to educate the children of Haiti. I pray for the government to see that this doesn't have to be. That they could use the resources coming in to change the country rather than sustain (if you can call it that) the country. I am saddened each time I hear about another child being dropped of born at OLTCH. I pray then for the parents of these kids and the kids. I was so saddened that our dear friend Maxo had such loss this week. I could never know unless I was in your shoes the pain and anger you feel but I understand a little of it and will pray for you and your heart.
    Blessings to you Ashley!
    Jackie Passer
    Maple Grove E Free
    Maple Grove, MN

  3. Ashlee,
    I also am awake. My heart cries with you! I am praying right now for you. I also don't understand. Kayla will be going back into the hospital today. Haven't even told Steve yet. You all there are already facing enough!! Praying for all of you today. I, like Jackie, was also awake at 4 a.m. with all of this in my mind--Haiti, hurricane, Kayla, family separated...I found myself immersed in Psalm 146. "I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord at ALL times." I don't understand, I don't like it....but I WILL praise the Lord at ALL times--even when times are difficult, scary,'s all I can do to keep going. Thank you so much for the scripture you shared. It spoke to me. Let's continue to cling to His words!! Praying much for you and the whole crew there!!!

  4. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your frustrations. Jesus shares your feelings; knows, understands and is brokenhearted also. He had/has compassion on the multitudes. "In all their afflictions He is afflicted." You are sharing His hurt, His anger. He died to offer transformed lives, even in the midst of the sociopolitical and economic situation. You are there feeling His hurt. You are His heart to love, His arms to hold, His lips to speak to those who so desperately need Him. May the Lord use even these heartbreaking times to draw Haitian hearts to Himself, bless the efforts being made to give physical help, educational help, and spiritual help to those who so desperately need Him.

  5. Keep being angry and sad, at the things that break the heart of God....your doing an amazing job, thanks for being here for these precious folks, Tom